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[18 Feb 2008|02:31am] |
Displacement. It's been on my mind a lot lately. Displacement, delta, the total change. According to physics, displacement is the shortest distance from point A to point B, regardless of the path you choose to get there.
In the last year, I have moved to Valpo, to Connersville and now back to Peoria. Total displacement: one city block.
With that in mind, have I changed at all? I've done some growing up, I suppose.
I don't think I'll ever stop growing up. I feel so old in so many ways, yet so young in so many others. I've learned so much, but there's still so much more to learn. How do you measure that kind of growth? Maybe it's just a city block's worth...
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For every new thing I learn, a new thing I have to learn appears.
I'm still learning that you can't stop things from changing, but that some things never change.
Will I ever change? I started life being taken care of, am learning to take care of myself, will ultimately end up being taken care of again. Right back where I started. Displacement: zero.
Basically, are we running all over the place and yet going nowhere?
I know what you all are thinking. I've boiled life down to the very basics. This is all too black and white. There are shades of gray, right? That's another lesson you're supposed to learn when you grow up, isn't it?
The lesson I've learned this past week or so is that things are more often black and white when you want there to be gray, or gray when you want things to be black and white.
I remember my physics teacher used to say physics doesn't work in real life. There's always some force getting in the way, wind resistance, friction, heat. I'm still learning what it's like for life to get in the way.
I want life to be like physics. I want to be able to quantify, measure. I want to have laws, equations that will tell me what comes next. But the fact of the matter is, in real life you never know when the laws will apply, and the things that matter can't be measured.
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[08 Feb 2008|03:19am] |
I realized this weekend that I just want this dating thing to be over. I just don't care about meeting people or fooling around or anything... I just want to be done. I just want to have found the one and get married and be done.
Is it weird to be sick of dating at 22? Shouldn't I be young and adventurous and relishing the single swingin' life?
I dunno. I can't say I've ever really enjoyed dating. I'd much rather just have a steady boyfriend, at least. And yeah, I like to go out every once in a while, but I'm not a big party animal. I guess I just want someone to come home to every night. But one thing's for sure -- I need to stop having feelings where I shouldn't. I suck at this game. And the saddest part is that if I want to be done with dating... I have to do more of it. Ugh.
Mostly, I sit here, and I think about someone, and I know better, but there's that click. And I want to know if the click is more, but I can't, for so many reasons.
For someone who never wanted to grow up, I suddenly want to grow up so badly. I'm slightly devastated to be living back in this college apartment. To lose the home, the level of comfort I had. It's funny that a year ago I lived in these same conditions and loved it. Now, I feel above it. It's funny that I complained so much about Connersville, but now really miss it.
I feel old, and I wonder if I'll ever really be totally happy.
In other news, I am going to Bonnaroo in June. All the cool kids are going. Maybe I'll meet Ben Folds and woo him. Hehe.
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[18 Jan 2008|05:59am] |
Tonight Tom made some comment about how someone leaving has never been brought up as much as it has been with me. I jokingly said it was because I'm so beloved and he agreed.
Sometimes I think the only reason I'll ever get anywhere in life is that I'm pretty likable. I'm not the best at my job. Mediocre at best. And yet already I'm moving up to a bigger paper... and why? 'Cause a professor liked me enough to remember me and offer me the job.
I'm not sure whether I think it's a good thing or not.
I'm really gonna miss everyone I've met in Connersville. Despite how much I complain and all the baby mama drama and stress, I really don't want to leave. I like it here. But I know that it's just the people I've befriended, not the town itself, that I find so endearing. I don't want to spend the rest of my life here... and I know that the Journal Star job is a good opportunity... the kind that won't come around very often.
So for now, I make ridiculous plans for the future... visits back and forth, going to Cubs/Bears games together and Bonnaroo. I actually really hope that they all happen, but I kinda already know better, and that makes leaving harder.
Ugh. Being a grown-up is rough.
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[08 Jan 2008|03:36am] |
I've been thinking a lot about this whole homewrecker thing...
It seems like I'm continually in a situation with a jealous girlfriend. And what I've come to find is that more often than not, the guy doesn't tell the girlfriend that we are hanging out, and that's what causes the problem. So, my question is, why? What is it about me that guys want to hide from their girlfriends? The girl's first thought is that there's something to hide -- either that something is going on, or the boyfriend has a crush on me.
The sucky part about it is that the guy makes the situation, and yet I'm the one who more often than not pays for it. I'm the one who gets labeled as a homewrecker, no matter how much I tell the girl that I would never do that, that I'm not that kind of person.
But the hard part for me to admit is that I could be that kind of person. I've had crushes on other people's boyfriends before -- I think anyone who says they haven't would be lying. Would I act on it? No, at least I hope I wouldn't... but if the guy were to act on it? I honestly think I would at least get caught up in the moment and do something regrettable, probably even if I wasn't interested in the guy. In fact, I know I would. I'd like to think I wouldn't continue a relationship with that person behind a girlfriend's back, but I might. I tell myself I wouldn't put up with a guy like that. And I know that I don't usually put up with much from guys. But I also know that if I really like someone, I get really dumb.
And then as much as I complain about it, I have to admit it's kind of nice to be thought of as a threat. It's an ego boost. And that makes me wonder if maybe I fan the flames a little bit. I'm a flirty person... and I wonder if I flirt with guy friends just to make sure that they like me, even if I don't like them.
What it boils down to is that I say that I'm a good person, but in reality, I'm not so sure I am. But I'm also not so sure that being a "homewrecker" would really make me a bad person. There's a part of me that believes that all is fair in love and war... and if I really loved someone and they were taken that I wouldn't let it stand in my way. And I think that everyone is really the same way, as much as they may say they aren't, because most people see love as this greater power... as more important than anything else. Exceptions are made for love. Justifications are made for love.
So, moral of the story is, maybe I am a homewrecker. I don't know.
I feel all kinds of shitty tonight. And I'm lonely. For all the threat I supposedly pose, I do pretty poorly at the guy-finding game.
I miss having a guy close. I miss the lack of personal space. I miss kissing. I miss warmth.
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| Me, being awkward, again |
[05 Jan 2008|08:20pm] |
Ok, so I'm moving back to Peoria at the end of the month because I got a job at the Journal Star. Very exciting, scary, etc.
But also sad, because I pretty much totally have the hots for the bass player in this band, Kramus, that I go to see quite often.
So, Monday night, I kinda accidentally got really drunk and admitted to Tom that I think said bass player is an attractive fellow. He calls bass player, we get his voicemail, I apparently say something along the lines of "Hey, baby, what's up?" or something else equally embarrassing... but THEN the phone doesn't get hung up. And I proceed to talk about how hot he is and whatnot... all of this being recorded onto his voicemail. Awkward = me. Always. So he calls Tom up the next day and is like hey, I got an interesting voicemail... they listen, laugh etc. But then it turns out he was quite pleased/interested. But Tom tells him I'm moving and he basically says well, bummer, that was kind of a tease then.
Sucky, very much so. It's times like these I wish I could just be a slut so I could at least get a couple of weeks of bass player goodness in before I leave. But alas, no such luck.
Anyway, I express to Beth how I wish that I was a slut. She tells me slutty is the way to be. Enter Beth's School O' Seducing:
Beff: well ok, are you going to anymore of their shows?
(20:11:23) KTJ: i dunno if there is one
(20:14:13) Beff: hm
(20:14:20) Beff: cuz that would be a good place to start your seduction
(20:14:28) Beff: cozy up to him, "that was a really great show"
(20:14:36) Beff: bass player: yea, well, i thought it was alright
(20:14:49) Beff: KT: no, really. i mean, i've seen a couple shows and i thought you did really well tonight
(20:14:57) Beff: bass player: thanks. say, you wanna drink or something?
(20:15:13) Beff: KT: yea, sure. not too many tho, i'm thinkin of making it an early night, just watchin a movie or something
(20:15:18) Beff: bass player: you don't say. i love movies.
(20:15:38) Beff: KT: well you're totally welcome to accompany me. movies are always better when there's two people
(20:15:40) Beff: etc etc
(20:16:51) KTJ: hahahaha
(20:17:06) KTJ: done and done
(20:17:09) Beff: yup
(20:17:15) Beff: just put that shit on some notecards
(20:17:32) KTJ: haha or write it on my hand
(20:17:39) KTJ: complete with what he's gonna say too
(20:18:01) Beff: yea
(20:18:09) Beff: and then if he says something different, show him what he's supposed to say
(20:18:17) KTJ: hahahaha
(20:18:25) KTJ: oh that would be very excellent
(20:18:57) Beff: yup
(20:19:02) Beff: i think he'd find it very endearing
(20:19:11) Beff: and then do you in his groupie van
(20:19:18) KTJ: hahahahhaa
(20:19:26) KTJ: the "krambulance"
(20:20:04) Beff: is that what it's called?
(20:20:08) KTJ: haha yes
(20:20:13) KTJ: now that would make for an excellent first time
(20:20:18) KTJ: doing it in the krambulance
(20:21:27) Beff: for suuuuuuuuure
(20:21:29) Beff: i would be so proud
Also, when did I become such a groupie? Seriously.
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